That’s what I feel like these days. I feel as if there’s some wall in front of me that I can’t seem to break through. My prayers feel hindered and I feel isolated, and honestly, I feel pretty forsaken. For as many years as I’ve walked closely with Jesus, I have never experienced this specifically. I’ve had days when I might feel more distant, but this season is significant, as if some spiritual darkness is hovering above me, maybe even surrounding me. I can’t break through.
Since I’m not the only one to ever have this sense, I’m perfectly comfortable in putting this out there. I’m stuck and don’t know how to take the next step forward. I want to be transparent while blogging and I know if I only share the mountain top moments then I’ll never truly relate to my readers. Life is hard, struggles are common, and sorrows are real for us all. So if I can’t share in my sorrow, what’s the point? If I can’t be real then I can’t have a real impact on people.
Feel. Notice in the first paragraph how many times I said feel? I know the heart lies; feelings lie. I know God hears my prayers, I’m not alone, and I’m not forsaken. I know that. Just because I feel that way doesn’t make it true. Man! If we could only get that one truth about feelings we would all be in better shape spiritually. What I feel isn’t true, but I’m still struggling, and I still need a breakthrough. Or maybe rather than a breakthrough I need a hand up.
Recently, while visiting with my precious friend who has a critically ill son, I gave her a verse that came to mind. “With my God I can scale a wall.” (Psalm 18:29)That’s what she’s looking at with her son, this huge wall of recovery ahead. What was really interesting, though, was that the very next morning, in my daily devotion, I was led to a parallel location of that exact verse. 2 Samuel 22 is almost an exact do-over of Psalm 18. So what are the chances, huh? That’s not a common verse, so for me to quote it one day and then be led to it the following day was no coincidence. That verse was for me too.
I’ve been looking to break through a wall when I simply need to go over it. I’ve been waiting for some explanation of why the wall is there and how to dismantle it. Instead, I need to scale the wall. I need to trust that this will make sense someday and still keep moving forward. I hate being stuck. I hate lack of progress. So with my God, I will scale this wall. I will get back to the basic truths: He loves me. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He intends good for me. He has a plan. I need to trust. Those are all very simple statements, yet collectively, they are the very foundation of my faith and life.
With my God, I can scale this wall.