Yeah, I just quoted Def Leppard.

I’m so over blogging about my new healthier way of eating. Good grief! I’m so over eating healthier – period. I still am eating well, though, with a few exceptions.

Someone in my house – my husband Kelly – bought Krispy Kreme donuts. They were here. Mistakes were made. I’ve blown it with a few other things. Almost always, it’s a sugar issue. Like, who ever overeats broccoli? I just threw up in my mouth a little at the thought.

I just want sugary goodness. I need cookies – not want, I need them. Oh yeah, I had four the other day. See, there have been exceptions. Just the fact that I wrote the word cookies just now only reminded me that I have homemade cookies in the kitchen, sitting on the counter in a glass container. Why do I do that to myself? I bake cookies because I love the guy who has a box of still uneaten Krispy Kreme donuts in the kitchen.

Because I haven’t had as much sugar, I find I’m eating the alternative – bread. Since simple carbs turn into nothing but sugar in your bloodstream, no wonder I’ve traded in one vice for another. Technically, I’m still getting my sugar fix. Yesterday, I had four pieces of bread over the course of the day. I haven’t done that in over two years at least. That’s not healthier by any means.

I sure was hoping that by the end of the month I could finish out this series on a more positive note. I wanted to be able to tell you how awesome I am and that I’ve rocked this thing. In truth, I’m just mentally exhausted over the struggle.

Overall, I am doing better in every area, but there hasn’t been one week yet that I didn’t eat things I was trying to avoid. Maybe I never will, but I do know this, if I give up all together, I won’t maintain my health. So I keep plugging away at it.

Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I’ll be back next January and begin again. Until then, I’ll do the best I can each day with one goal in mind: just to stay out of the cookies.

Quick update: After writing this, yes, I did go and get into the cookies. Stupid cookies!

Since I can recall, I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with food. Up until I had my tonsils taken out in third grade, I could take it or leave it. I don’t remember it, but I’m told I hardly ate then. So what changed after surgery, other than the fact that I wasn’t sick as often? I learned to self-medicate with food. That feeling you get when you eat comfort food is soothing, especially for a little girl dealing with as many emotions as I was.

I had begun this blog intending on being more transparent about those emotions, but now I realize that’s not the point. The real point is: many of us turn to food for comfort at times – maybe even all of us. It became so natural to turn to food for comfort, that the early negative emotions became irrelevant. Honestly, I’ve dealt with those childhood traumas, so is it fair to keep blaming them now for my unhealthy relationship with food? Nope. I have to learn to process difficult current emotions and situations in a new way – without food being my go to. We all do.

In my own journey, and I hope in yours, I’ve discovered that there’s only one place to take these emotions – to Jesus. I do that now. I’m still not the best at it, but I’m learning and growing better all the time at allowing Him to heal me rather than to use food as a temporary band aid. Whether it’s a big or small issue I’m facing, He can be of greater comforter than food ever was.

These days, as I’m emotionally and spiritually healthier, I’ve noticed something: Turning to food is more of a habit than a necessity. Plus I eat when I’m bored. This journey of learning to tell myself no and end the internal conflict within has had its ups and downs. I do well most times, and I’ve failed a few times. Still, I keep going. I have to believe that the old habit will eventually give up and die. I’m determined to be the victor in this.

New habits I’ve adopted:

• I’m eating cleaner – less processed foods. That requires more cooking on my part, something I used to do only because my family expected food at various times. Now, I’m learning to enjoy cooking more and coming up with foods I like rather than choking down more broccoli.
• I’ve begun something called intermittent fasting. Though I fast at times for spiritual reasons, this isn’t the same. I won’t go into the many benefits of fasting on your body, but the more research I’ve done the more I understand why God, as the body’s Creator, called His people to fast so often. It’s mind-blowing the many positive effects that fasting has – even on aging (says the woman who will turn 49 next month).

Yes, I’m still way too focused on food, a fact that I hope will level out. This is still a learning curve that I’m on, so giving so much consideration to food is necessary. At least now I’m not allowing it to comfort me. I’m not eating when I’m bored. I’m not eating because an Oreo commercial tells me to. My basic goal is to control food rather than to allow it to control me. So I would say I’m making progress.

If you have any thoughts, I would love to hear them. Do you eat for comfort? Are you self-medicating a wound that only Jesus can truly heal?

Since I’m devoting this first month of the new year to my personal health, I figure that blogging about my progress makes sense. It helps me to keep track of my thoughts and progress. I hope it will help you, too. It’s nice to know we’re all in this together.

With week one behind me, I’m learning all kinds of things about myself and how to best stay on track:

1. For one, I still don’t gym. I keep trying it but will never be a gym kind of girl. When I’m there, I spend the entire time looking around at people. I’m way too ADD to make any progress. I have gone once with my husband this new year and plan to make that my one and only visit. Fortunately, I do have a treadmill here to walk on. That’s one of those “have to tell myself yes” situations. I’m doing well with that and sticking to consistent cardio.
2. Next, just as I suspected, I can actually tell myself no and stick to it. I want cookies but tell myself no. I want a pb&j sammie every single day, but I need veggies. Thing is, I’m not saying that I can never have one, just not every day like I want. Knowing I can have one another time seems to help.
3. Instead of going by a list of can and can’t haves as far as food goes, I’m better off to focus on each meal and what I can do to eat well in that given situation. If I know I can’t have fast food because it’s on some list of can’ts, of course I feel deprived and will eventually fail. Life is busy. Sometimes fast food is necessary. Heck, sometimes a burger is necessary, right? If I’m in that situation and have a burger, I’m learning to just have the burger – not the burger and fries. Every little victory counts.
4. I’ve learned that I won’t starve between meals. Instead, I’m finding that a few hunger pangs are helping me to learn when I’m hungry or eating out of boredom. Also, I’ve found that hunger pangs come in waves and then subside. If there’s only an hour until dinnertime and I feel a hunger pang, I can drink a big glass of water and ride out the wave. Soon, the grumbling is gone, and I easily make it until dinner.
5. The more I eat well, the more I’m enjoying it. I’m branching out and trying new ways of cooking foods and incorporating new veggies into my diet. Also, I’ve noticed that when I’m super hungry, enough for my stomach to growl, then healthy foods taste great. I’m surprised at times when I eat something healthy and think, wow, this is better than I expected. 
6. Veggies are the best bang for the calorie buck. With that in mind, I eat plenty and don’t indulge as much in breads and meats. But breads are still on my can list! If not, I would never last. Where most diets restrict potatoes, I don’t. Mashed potatoes are my favorite food. I’m not giving them up!
7. As with potatoes, I’ve come up with a list of foods and I can and can’t live without. Honestly, for me, life is too short to live on salads. I just don’t like them in the winter. I want warm comfort food. I’m learning I can eat well without salads being my go to. I’ve stopped eating foods I don’t particularly care for just because they’re healthy. Why waste calories on foods that are just okay when I can have mashed potatoes?
8. If I do mess up, I can begin again and not throw in the towel entirely like I used to do. If God’s mercies are new every morning toward us, shouldn’t ours be the same toward ourselves? I’m not punishing or coddling myself. If I blow it, I learn from it and move on. But I most certainly don’t say, “Oh, it’s okay. Here, have a cookie.” Babying myself has to stop.
9. The most important thing I’ve learned is that this is more of a journey of self-discovery. I’m learning about myself and my unhealthy relationship with food. (More on that next time – maybe.) For each of us who are making this effort in the new year to live healthier lives, we have to realize it’s a personal journey. What works for me may not work for you. A few things may, but not all will. My bestie, Leann, and I are constantly trying some new diet together. We’ve learned, though, we have different personalities and lifestyles. Technically, we have different goals. Her’s is more about weight loss and mine is more about freedom. I don’t want to be bound any longer. I have been since I was a little girl. Now, Leann and I just try to encourage each other. And never, ever, do we beat the other up when one fails.

Small victories are keeping me on track. I love the feeling of going to bed at night knowing I’ve had a successful day. Used to, I went to bed feeling like a failure more often than not. I don’t want to live in that same pattern that I’ve known most all of my life. I want to win against this inner conflict. I’m hoping (and praying) that 2017 will be my year.

If you’re goal this year is to make better choices, what have you learned about yourself as you go? Each time you share your story with me, I take it to heart and try to learn from it. Doing life together is the best way to get through this.

Many blessings and fewer calories to you. 🙂